The Answer Is Here
I stole this idea from a wild and crazy Texan, but since I don't have an idea for a column I figured, "Why not?"
So if anyone still reads my blog, here's the deal. You got questions -- I got answers. So just ask me anything. Anything in the world. Type a comment on this very post and I will type a reply comment with the answer. Whether you need homework help, moral guidance, trivia information, or whatever, just trust that ol' Porkchop Gilles, aka Love Caddy B-Dawg, The Forlorn Moonpuppy, is your hook-up. I'll get you squared away with an answer that will make you the envy of all your friends.
Really. I'm a veritable cesspool of information. I went to a really good school. So here I am, setting up shop. Fire away, people. Go!
"Just when they think they have the answers, I change the questions." -- Rowdy Roddy Piper
posted by Bobby @ 9:35 AM
16 comments
16 Comments:
No, really. I know stuff.
Hey I guess I should be offended, "wild and crazy" . . . you left off "a tad out of control, funny as all get out, and smarter than the average hillbilly" but I guess I'll let this slide.
Question: What school gave you such a wide base of knowledge that you can answer any question?
It was 1st grade, Middle Road Elementary School. Mrs. Gottbreath. An elderly lady who cracked the whip. Would pinch the fire out of anyone who was getting out of line. Taught me everything I needed to know and made me what I am today.
Also, I read a lot of cool books and listened to a lot of cool music in the Indiana library when I was skipping class, and I took a lot of walks up the railroad tracks behind the campus with my friend Clay, discussing all manner of philosophical, theological, music, literary, and sociological topics. I mean, sure, we were supposed to be discussing that stuff in class so we could get graded ...
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
That question has always bugged me.
Evan asked me this morning why the chicken crossed the road. My answer was not adequate.
Also, I would like an accurate weather forcast for the next 48 hours.
Gordon: A woodchuck can chuck plenty of wood. A plenty-lot. I hope that was specific enough.
Sarah: It's going to be cold in Louisville for the next 48 hours.
And tell Evan that back in your day, kids didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. They just did as they were told. And walked to school 5 miles through the snow, without complaint.
So if my yogurt container says that I'm injesting "life and active yogurt cultures" am I committing yogurt homicide or cannibalism? And should I be at all concerned that there is something alive AND active that I am eating? Is that normal?
Why do you always say "cesspool of information"? I think that's a mixing of metaphors. And it's pretty gross. Nobody wants to dip into a "cesspool" of anything...
Katie, you are indeed guilty of yogurt cannibalism if you are, in fact, a yogurt yourself.
Lorie, that's the beauty of it! It points to my genius, my self-deprecating wit.
See, of course it's all messed up. It's like when I say stuff like "Lorie isn't exactly the sharpest fork in the drawer." Now, everyone else who knows you says that you aren't the sharpest KNIFE in the drawer. It's supposed to be "knife," not "fork." I change it around a bit -- stand the metaphor on its head.
I hope you gals have a nice day. Come back when you want to know more stuff. I haven't even begun to reach the depths of my knowledge. In fact, I've hardly said anything smart at all yet!
Oh we're supposed to ask SMART questions? Well why didn't you say that at the beginning. What with cesspools and a long list of all your alias induced nicknames I thought we were going for COMEDY here not brains.
Hmmmm, ok how do you prove the quadratic equation?
The Quadratic Equation is a five-sided island that sits on the dividing line between the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. When planes fly over it, they go down. There are large apes there, and polar bears, and a bunch of tiny people who will tie you up and stuff.
No one can prove it because no one has made it back alive.
Don't you know anything?
Why do they keep making Hannibal Lecter movies?
What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?
By the way, those yogurt cultures (i.e. bacteria) don't always go down your gullet to meet a grisly death -- sometimes they survive, especially certain varieties.
1. Because people keep paying money to see them. It's market driven economics at its best (and worst).
2. Colby Cheese.
3. I, of course, knew that. I just prefered not to say. I don't want people to find my brilliance to be insufferable. I'm a humble man.
Mmm . . . colby cheese. I will think of a question as soon as I stop being distracted by the thought of cheese.
Wrong! The answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Duh. Or Bob Dole.
When is the weather warming up again?
It's not 42 -- that's just a Hollywood thing.
The weather will warm up tomorrow. Somewhere.
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