Interview With Rabby

B-Dog: Greetings, Monkey Maniacs. It is I, B-Dog. Today I have Rabby live in the spacious Jive Studio. Tigey couldn't make it because he's eating someone on Main Street. I'll try to have him on the show another time, after he's good and full.
So Rabby. You've been missing since April 1. What's been going on? I got a ransom note and everything. Was it some kind of April Fool's prank?

Rabby: Prank my a--
B-Dog cuts Rabby off in mid-sentence

B-Dog: Rabby, this is a family show! Lots of little, impressionable Monkey Maniacs out there.

Rabby (removes his cowboy hat): Sorry about that. I git a little worked up when I think about my sufferin'.

B-Dog: Do you feel you can talk about it?

Rabby: (takes deep breath): I was sittin' in front of the tube, mindin' my own bidness. Tigey was sleeping off his lunch -- a little redheaded girl. Spicey. Kinda' had his stomach all in knots so he'd curled up and taken a nap. I was watchin' my Purple Rain DVD --

B-Dog: You like Prince?

Rabby: YOU GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY ABOUT PRINCE, BOY?

B-Dog: No, no ... just ... it's a little unusual. Proceed.

Rabby: All of a sudden, this man come up behind me and busted me on the back a' my head with a 2X4. Next thing I know, my paws are bound and I'm in some sort of dungeon. Tigey's all tied up too. And standin' over me, with the 2X4 in his hands, lookin' at me with his beady little eyes, is --

B-Dog: Yes?

Rabby: JOEL ANDERSON.

B-Dog: I knew it!

Rabby: Dirty yella' dog. He hadn't a got the jump on me, I'd a smashed him.

B-Dog: He does have a little size advantage.

Rabby: Does he have the quickness? Does he have the agility? Does he have the BIG GUNS? (Rabby flexes his biceps)

B-Dog: Well, so, you've been a prisoner of Joel Anderson all this time?

Rabby: Not by a country mile. Oh, he and his woman had us for a spell. Hardly ever fed us, wouldn't git us a TV, didn't clean up our poop.

B-Dog: I can't believe you just said that.

Rabby: A rabbit's gotta poop, don't he? Thousands a little pellets, all over the place. I dang near slipped and fell down in my own refuse a half-dozen times. And Tigey -- you ever seen a big ol' batch of tiger poop?

B-Dog: Um, so you said you weren't there the whole time.

Rabby: No, and it's a good thing. Now, that Amanda, she smells mighty nice. Mean as a wombat, but she smells like a first class broad.

B-Dog: See, there's always a silver lining.

Rabby: But Joel Anderson? (Rabby spits.) That's what I think a him.

B-Dog: So how did you get away?

Rabby: We didn't git away. We got kicked out by the woman. One day ol' Joel Anderson come into our cell to give us our gruel. I'd finally managed to gnaw through my shackles. I was gitt'n ready to gnaw on Tigey's --

B-Dog: Wouldn't a tiger be able to do his own gnawing?

Rabby: Tar-and-tarnation! If you interrupt me one more time I'm a gonna whip you like you stole somethin'!

B-Dog: Sorry.

Rabby: Tigey is protective of his teeth. Needs 'em for eatin' folks. Anyways, Joel come through that door and I beat the snot out a him. Got him down and grabbed me a hunk of each of those ears, and I jest started bangin' his head on that cement floor. He was hollerin' like a little girl.

B-Dog: I do seem to remember he was out of commission for a few days. Said he had the flu and didn't want visitors.

Rabby: Didn't want it to be known that he'd been whipped by a bunny!

B-Dog: So then what happened?

Rabby: The woman came in. She's tough.

B-Dog: Yeah. She's kind of scary.

Rabby: Twisted my arm like a pretzel! Made me yell Uncle. But see, there again, if she hadn't a got the jump on me ....

B-Dog: So she kicked you all out of the house after that?

Rabby: She learnt. Learnt you don't mess with fire. So they traded us off to another no-good, bunny stealin', two-bit, high-falutin' little Miss Priss.

B-Dog: Who?

Rabby: LORIE KING.

gasps of horror from audience

B-Dog: Man, that sucks.

Rabby: Well, t'weren't all bad. We had more freedom. We got to roam around the house ... even head over to Bardstown Road for some partying every now and again.

B-Dog: WHAT? Why didn't you call me to come rescue you then.

Rabby: Well, let's think about that for a minute. Lesse ... a couple a macho stuffed animals like ourselves. Living in your closet, OR staying with a whole house-load of young fillies. I'm gonna go with Plan B for $200.

B-Dog: Huh?

Rabby: You know Lorie's house is full of womenfolk.

B-Dog: Oh. I get it.

Rabby: Well you ain't as dumb as ya look then, son.

B-Dog: So, uh, you weren't being held prisoner.

Rabby: Now, I didn't say that. See, we had some freedom, but little Miss Know-It-All really gets under your skin after a while.

B-Dog: I'll say.

Rabby: And the constant singin'! Can't a man-rabbit have a minute's peace and quiet?

B-Dog: Not with King around.

Rabby: And I tell ya what. Her room-mate Christa? Always singin'. Always jabber, jabber, jabber. Tar-and-tarnation, it's enough to make a mime cuss. And then there's the fact that we never could get in the bathroom. And when we did -- dagnabit, some of those girls use this really hot stick to curl their hair.

B-Dog: It's called a --

Rabby: I knowed what it's called! Don't you sass me, boy. Now, another thing. They was panty-hose hangin' right over the shower curtain one time when I went to poop. Dignity! That's all I ask for; a little dignity.

B-Dog: So you got tired of that place pretty fast?

Rabby: And sure, we could watch us some TV. Ol' Joel Anderson never allowed that. But we had to watch sissy WOMEN'S shows. American Idol. Rabby Spits. Me nor Tigey, neither one, got to watch us one measly match of rasslin' the whole time we was there.

B-Dog: There's no accounting for taste.

Rabby: I can't abide it. Can't abide no womenfolk being in charge of the tube. It's just not natural. So's I said to Tigey, it's time we got to be travelin' on. And he says "Roar," and off we go. After we stole us some jewelry, but that nasty little Christa come after us with a broom.

B-Dog: Knocked you senseless?

Rabby: You know it. And took back that jewelry. And all the money we'd won from the womenfolk at poker. We was broke.

B-Dog: So how did you get home?

Rabby: We found out the ornery little King was goin' to the Anderson's house, so we stowed away aboard her car. Not an American-made car, I might add.

B-Dog: We won't hold that against her.

Rabby: Why not. You should hear the things she says agin' you. All of 'em in that house. They kept sayin', "When you gonna take these critters back to that funny lookin' Hoosier boy?"

B-Dog: You don't say.

Rabby: That's a fact with my hand up, if I had to die.

B-Dog: So you stowed away aboard her car.

Rabby: Little Jap car.

B-Dog: Hey! We do NOT use that kind of slang in my studio.

Rabby: Beggin' your pardon. But yes, we hid in the back seat. Quite an adventure. For one, that's the messiest car I ever laid my eyes on. For another, noisy ol' King nearly hit three parked cars on the way across the river.

B-Dog: So once you got to the Anderson's house ....

Rabby: Joel started cryin' like a little girl. Lorie and Amanda gave chase, but we was too fast for 'em. We skeedaddled it back to your place faster than they could say "hot diggedy dog." And that's the whole story.

B-Dog: How do I know you didn't just make this up?

Rabby: How dumb are you, boy? You got no evidence at all?

B-Dog: Actually, I know for a fact that these people were somehow involved.

Rabby: Then what's the suspicion fer?

B-Dog: I don't know. Just ... the whole thing seems kind of fanciful to me.

Rabby: You no good, double-dealing, forked tongue, limp-wristed, metrosexual sissy! This is the last time I ever come on your show.

B-Dog: Now don't be hasty ....

Rabby: I am ratings, boy. Ratings. You hear me? I come on this show, and people tune in. You will be canceled by the fall season if you lose me as a regular guest.

B-Dog: I am Love Caddy B-Dog, The Forlorn Moonpuppy!

Rabby: Forlorn my patootie. I'll show you forlorn if you call me a liar again.

B-Dog: That's not what I --

Rabby: Isn't it?!? Isn't it?!?

B-Dog: Sigh. Why can't I just have normal, adorable little childhood relics?

Rabby: I meant what I said boy. Every word I uttered is the God's honest truth. As I saw it. And I ain't a comin' back until you apola, apolo, apol, apol -- until you say you're sorry.

Rabby storms off, knocking over a camera man and stealing a Jive To The Monkey complimentary coffee mug.
The End