RELATIONSHIPS, PT. 1: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So the Nightriders conducted a meeting of the minds in a secret Southern Indiana compound Saturday night -- a secret compound with ice cream, where each little extra you buy costs about $75.00. Or so it seemed.

Anyway, we Manly Men began to hold forth, and to explain what it is we want out of a relationship, and to explain how it is different from the way it is usually described by women.

It's all about respect. TESTIFY! We want to know that we are IT (whatever it is. Of course, in the context of a marital or serious romantic relationship, "it" is everything -- but the formula and dynamic holds true, on a limited scale, for other relationships -- even business ones). You gals are so used to accepting the compliments, you are often a tad stingy, or, dare I say it, boring and uninventive, about handing them out. A woman who knows how to make a man feel secure and wanted will do better than one who always likes to keep us guessing, keep us off-balance, etc.

Ironically, this is often the complete opposite of what many women do in the real world. I've had female friends who have even expressed such sentiments -- they don't want the guy to "get too cocky", or they want to keep him on edge so he won't neglect her.

Dumb, dumb, dumb. It may work for awhile but it will eventually breed hostility, passive aggressiveness, or even boredom. And statistically speaking, there are many more decent available women than is true in reverse. If you play stupid games with him, he'll find a girl who won't.

Now, you may be saying, "But it's true about guys having big egos. My man always wants me to make him feel like a million bucks, but he doesn't do anything for me. He doesn't respect me in return. He doesn't go out of his way for me. He doesn't even use his manners half the time, and he won't communicate with me."

To such a sentiment I would humbly say, "Why are you with him in the first place, then?" What's wrong with you that you are in a relationship with such a man, or that you are attracted to such a man? The first rule of thumb when you're trying to figure out why you're alone (and I know it works both ways) is simple: look at yourself. Especially if you've dated a lot. You are the common denominator in all those failed relationships. As the saying goes "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result each time."

I've known several girls who say, "But I only date guys who go to church," or any number of other criteria: don't drink, have a clean past, lead a youth group, shine old ladies' shoes, etc. That's just stats on a page, gals. It doesn't tell you anything about whether he is right for you now. Where a person has been is what makes them who they are -- and that can work for the better or the worse, depending on how a person let's God instruct and lead them. So find a good guy (of course, how to do that could be a whole series of columns in its own right) and then RESPECT him. Make him feel like he's the king of the world, not "good enough for now."

This should be academic, but it's surprising how few girls do it.

I don't often talk about my past marriage in this column -- largely because it's not appropriate to the forum, and because I was taught "if you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all." But I can tell you that lack of respect, lack of being made to feel secure, and that I was "the one", was crippling.

My ex (we'll call her "Dee", because I don't know any other Dee's) had this male friend (actually two. and it was a nearly identical situation. But we'll just talk about the one she cheated on me with -- the one she's now having identical twin girls with, who are due on my birthday. Oh, the irony!) anyway, Dee had this male friend that she "hung out with" when we were dating. Now, B-Dog was a Metro before Metro's were cool. I've always had gal pals, so I was pretty trusting about the whole thing. In truth, I had no idea anything was amiss until well after we were married. I did find out after we were married that her "friend" (we'll call him "Ivan") was actually an ex-boyfriend. Now, to me, that is a crucial fact to omit. Ex-lovers hanging out -- that just gives me pause. But particularly when that fact is not disclosed up front, and it is passed off as a brother-sister type friendship.
As the marriage wore on, I was often made to feel that, if things didn't "work out," she could always take up with this guy (or that other one). Now, I realize all you moral Monkey Maniac gals would never go that far, but you are still going to undermine whatever relationship you're in if you talk up other guys, or make him feel like he has to compete. You won't get what you're trying to get, trust me.
And again, if it's a serious issue of "I can't respect him though," or "but he has no respect for me," then shame on you for being with him in the first place, no matter what his "stat sheet" says. You should have taken the time to get to know him strictly as a friend first, and then you could have become (as sure as any finite human being can become) confident that he was the kind of guy who would be worthy of your respect in a dating/ courting relationship.

But that's just my opinion. Next ....