Lyric Analysis: B-Dog in the Hotseat

I have completed my revision of "I Built The Cage." Now, keep in mind that this still may not be the final version. Remember this phrase: "Good writing is rewriting." Feel free to comment and offer any suggestions or opinions. And there is no stupid question or piece of advice -- music is taken seriously here, so Jive To The Monkey, for once, is a safe place.
As far as the music: I have it in A minor now -- all minor chords, medium-up tempo, kind of a tough country-rock-blues song.


Here are the original lyrics:

I built the cage that I'm locked in.
If sin's to blame, it is my own.
I used to roam across the lake;
I cannot make myself lie anymore.

If my life's a sad play, I set the stage.
And I built the cage.


I locked the chain that has me bound.
If you're around then I might lie
And tell you why it's all your fault,
How you rubbed salt into my wounds.

It hurts less when I have someone to blame,
But I locked the chain.


I dug the hole; I've fallen down.
No one's around to lift me up.
Please let this cup pass from me.
Don't you agree that I could use a little grace?

Could you reduce my sentence since I know
I dug the hole?


I built the cage ...
I locked the chain ...
I dug the hole ...
I made the bed ...
I loaded high the funeral pyre.
You say I should trust you to light the fire --

Purify.

c. 2005 Bobby Gilles
(Obviously since I am posting this online, I've already mailed it in for copyright registration)

The song is built around four verses, each followed by a couplet turnaround. As an exercise, I decided to avoid end rhymes in the verses, but rather to have an internal rhyme in the middle of each line that rhymes with the final word of each preceding line. What this means is that if I decide to change a line (or the end of one) I must change the next one as well.

I use a great deal of iambic tetrameter (4 metric feet; 8 syllables) in the verses (particularly the first 3 lines of each verse). This is not something I planned on -- I noticed it afterwards. When you've been working with meter as long as I have, you develop an ear for it, and will sometimes write in a certain meter even without thinking or counting it out. This is akin to a guitarist who plays by ear rather than my sheet music, tabs, or chords.

The couplets following each verse are varied from the verses both by melody and by the fact that they each have an AA end rhyme scheme.

For those of you who thought the 3rd and 4th lines were ambiguous, you will notice that I changed them completely. What I meant by "I used to roam across the lake" was that "I used to be free. I used to be able to frolic about. But now I am imprisoned in this cage." I can see where that meaning could be unclear. You can see how I've changed that when you read the new lyrics below.

In the third verse, I changed "lift me up" to "lift me out," based on a suggestion, which necessitated changing the next line. But that's okay because it was the disputed "let this cup pass" line anyway.

I see what you mean about "could you reduce this sentence ..." (I work for lawyers). I changed it to a more folksome phrase.

Two things which were brought up that I did not revise:
1. I see what is meant about the last two lines -- the potential confusion and the change of focus. But I want to stay with it. If you think about it, it gives the song deeper meaning. It colors it with a new shade. And it offers the potential for change. The song is essentially static. Nothing changes for the character. He has discovered something important, but he hasn't grown out of his immaturity yet. That's why he says things like "Could you step in and fix it since I know I dug the hole?".
Isn't that how we are sometimes? Admitting you have a problem is a crucial first step, but it is just the first step. We think we can say "Okay, I've admitted it. There. See. Now everything's better."
No, everything is NOT better. Admitting you have a problem does not make the problem disappear; it provides a necessary context for dealing with the problem.
I have also decided to keep all the "I's." Again, I understand the point. But one weakness in a lot of "Christian" music is a refusal to talk about "I" (not worship music, which necessarily should be God-focused). The point of this song is to say "I am my own worst enemy." I feel that it is good to talk about it from the standpoint of "this is a problem I have," knowing that it is one that any honest person will admit he can identify with, than to stand above the audience as if I am God, and sing "you" or even "we", or just leaving out a pronoun altogether.

Now here is one that I caught right away, and would have corrected. I wanted to see what everyone would say though, so I left it in. The business about the bed.
Originally I intended to write five verses. One verse would have started "I made the bed ..." If I had done this, then the ending refrain would have made sense.
I opted to leave that verse out, yet to keep "I made the bed" in the refrain for symetrical reasons. You were right to call me on it.

I left out the bed verse because I thought five verses was too long to carry this particular melody (I realize the weak point of this whole thing is that I cannot load the song online so you can hear it). I also thought it didn't contribute enough new information.
Ideally, each verse in a song should further the plot or exposition -- it should provide a new color. But in this song, I am choosing to violate that rule (all artists know that rules are made to be broken, but they must be done so with care, and for a reason). I want the cumulative effect of one main point to build and build and build. This song, in a sense, could never be a major work. It isn't deep. But I want to achieve a depth through simplicity and razor-sharp focus. Image after image builds on one point: "I am to blame. I am responsible. I cannot keep passing the buck."
In the revision, I decided that instead of putting in a "bed" verse, I'd use a 4-line turnaround with its own rhyme scheme and melody. I think this helps the song from dragging. I use the bed analogy, and I speak of the mattress as being made of "stone and mistakes." I'm using "stone" as a symbol for stubborn pride.
So there you have it. It may not be perfect, and it may not be done yet, but I think it improves upon the original.

Now, here are the revised lyrics:

I built the cage that I'm locked in.
If sin's to blame, it is my own.
I guess I’ve known that all along;
I cannot say I’ve been wronged anymore.

If my life's a sad play, I set the stage.
And I built the cage.

I locked the chain that has me bound.
If you're around then I might lie
And tell you why it's all your fault,
How you rubbed salt into my wounds.

It hurts less when I have someone to blame,
But I locked the chain.

I dug the hole I've fallen down.
No one's around to lift me out.
Are you about to save the day?
Don't you agree that I could use a little grace?

Could you step in and fix it since I know
I dug the hole?

I made my own bed. It’s impossible to rest
on a mattress made of stone and mistakes.
My comforter is strong denial; all the while it’s let me claim
That someone else should take all of the blame.

I built the cage ... I locked the chain ...
I dug the hole ... I made the bed ...

I loaded high the funeral pyre.
You say I should trust you to light the fire --
Purify.