Joke's On Me As Rabby, Tigey Kidnapped on April Fools' Day

This is real. No imaginary interview; no faux wrestling match. What I'm about to relate is a fact with my hand up, if I had to die. Be prepared to read something so vile, so heinous, that it could only be the work of one Joel The Metro Anderson. And his little wife, too.

THE BACKSTORY

Last year, my pinhead sister Stacey Schneider and I played a joke on the Andersons. Stacey and I work for a law firm. We used a legal notice template to send them a "court order" to answer for the charge of unlawfully altering their house without a permit (they were doing some remodeling).

As an aside: we also sent a "court order" to our friends Barry and Debbie, demanding they answer for the charge of unlawfully running a barbershop out of their home. Debbie cuts Barry's hair IN THEIR BACKYARD! Now, lots of wives cut their husband's hair, but usually that kind of thing goes on behind closed doors. Sheesh!

Anyway, Joel has kept our little notice on his refrigerator for a solid year, and has, on several occasions, made reference to a "Day of Reckoning." MonkeyManiacs, that day has arrived for your hero.

I came home from a hard day's work last Friday, April Fools' Day, to find a manilla envelope at my door with the name "Robert" on it. Not written -- each letter was cut out from a different magazine and pasted onto the envelope. Inside was a ransom notice, saying that Rabby and Tigey had been kidnapped, and could be returned for 1.5 million dollars! AND -- ooooohhhhhh, you're not gonna believe this. Remember when I told you that Rabby's body was covered in masking tape, so that he looks kind of like a gruesome mummy? Well, these cads stuck 2 pieces of his tape on the ransom note!!!

I ran to my closet, where Rabby and Tigey live. Gone.

The next day, I got another manila envelope. Inside -- a whole roll of pictures! Rabby and Tigey, lying there. Sick, sick, sick.

I should point out that the pictures were taken at Stacey's house, and that she's the only one who calls me "Robert." So obviously, the evil Anderson's are trying to frame Stacey. They didn't do any pranks on her, to make it look like they're innocent! They want us to devour each other!!!

Well, that's not gonna happen, because in the first place, my great brain knows that this is the kind of thing that Joel would do, not Stacey. In the second place, Stacey knows better than to mess with me because I am B-Dog, whereas she is nothing but a pinhead. Joel, however, is fearless (as crazy people often are).

The Andersons refuse to fess up. It looks like I have no recourse but to come up with $1.5 mil. So here's what I need all you Monkey Maniacs to do. Each of you send me some money. Whatever you have, even if it's only a dollar. Hey -- if 1.5 million Monkey Maniacs sent me a dollar apiece, I could raise this money in no time. Then, I could either pay the ransome or hire a hitman to take out Joel.

Here is my address, people. And please don't send me any cold checks:

Bobby Gilles

928 Capitol Hill Drive

Jeffersonville, IN 47130 USA

Try to send me your money as soon as possible, because I don't have a night light, and it's hard for me to fall asleep without Rabby and Tigey because it gets very dark at night in my room. And spread the word to as many people as possible. Spread it to other blogs, take it to the city streets ... whatever you need to do to make me an instant millionaire. Two very decrepit fake animals are counting on it.