Lorie and Barry

My buddy Lorie suggested on her blog that she has helped Barry Manilow with his songs. I would suggest to you the following evidence that this could not be true, based on my experience working with her on music. You see, I happen to know that Barry would not have churned out the songs he did -- in fact,would simply have not been allowed to churn out the songs that he did, if Lorie were bullying him behind the scenes. And as proof, we'll look at his hit "Can't Smile Without You," and then I will provide simulated Lorie King responses to said song:

You know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You.

You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believed that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.
And now you know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile.

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.
And you see,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You

Dear Barry:

Boy, am I glad the publisher suggested you work with me, because you need it. I certainly have my work cut out for me though. Let's get started. First, I am troubled by the theological implications of your song. You can't even smile without Boopsie Anne or whatever her name is? This girl has become an idol in your life. All you need is Christ, Barry. When you perpetuate this kind of heresy, you confuse the masses of people into thinking that their ultimate fulfillment and happiness will be found in any old lover who lights their fire. For shame, Barry, for shame.

In your fifth line you write the word "findin'." Why? I daresay you think it's a cute colloquialism, but it's not. It's irresponsible is what it is. Did you not go to school? "Finding," Barry. With a "g" on the end. I don't care how you grew up saying it -- I'm a Carolina girl myself. But it's spelled "f-i-n-d-i-n-g.

"You came along just like a song and brightened my day." How? What does that really mean? What are you actually saying? Nothing much, I'd bet. I need more. I need maybe another verse that explains this relationship. If I'm going to believe that you can't even smile without this woman, I need to know why she's so special.

"Who'd've"? Did you really write this? You are KILLING me.

"Well I'm finding it hard ..." Now there you go. You typed "finding." But then when you go back to the chorus it's "findin'" again. It's ridiculous. No, really.

Other than that it's okay. And even though my friend Bobby, with his superior intellect that I could never hope to match, would say that this song is nowhere near the level of even a filler Dylan cut, I appreciate it because you can sing and Dylan can't. But we have our work cut out for us, my friend. I simply will not stand by and watch while you make a mockery of the English language, even though of course if you slay English where it stands and ruin it forever for me, I can always retreat into Spanish, Portuguese, or one of the other 47 languages that I speak fluently.

Best regards,

Lorie