New Interview With Rabby

Bobby: Hello, all you Monkey Maniacs out there in cyber world. Today on Jive To The Monkey, my guest is one Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby.

Rabby: Used to be I'd a smacked you over the head fer not havin' any food fer me in my dressin' room afore I came out here fer this inter, int, inte -- afore we could talk.

Bobby: But you don't do that kind of thing anymore because of your conversion.

Rabby: Cuz I been warshed in the blood a the lamb. Let's call it wut it is. Let's not have no big werds that don't really let you in on the deal, you know? I ain't jest changed my mind from Coke to Pepsi or somethin'. I been warshed in that precious blood, surrendered my life to that name that is above all names.

Bobby: And you have been open about your struggles since coming to the Lord.

Rabby: That's right. Cuz we are called to bear one another's burdens an to confess an all to each other. An how come I hardly ever see any Christians doin' that?

Bobby: It is a failing of the Church.

Rabby: Yer darn tootin' right it is!

Bobby: So anyway, before coming to Christ you were quite a boozer.

Rabby: Tar-and-tarnation! Is that any kind of segu, seg, seg -- is that a way to switch from one topic to the next?

Bobby: Well, I just --

Rabby: I had me an awful lot a trouble with the demon juice. That's wut I call it now. Cuz Lord knows I git sideways when I git into the cups. And that's when all the trouble with the womens starts. All those womens ....

Bobby: So what happened over the holidays?

Rabby: Well I was out at a party an there wuz Christians drinkin' so I says "Earl," that's wut I calls myself is Earl, "Earl, they is Christians and they're drinkin'. So is you is or is you ain't a Christian too?" An a course I is, so I got me some spirits an next thing I know'd I woke up under the bridge with the werst hangover I ever did have.

Bobby: Wow.

Rabby: So's I said, "Earl, you can't handle it." Now I don't judge Christians who do, but I am not in the number a those who kin drink in moder, mod, mod --

Bobby: Moderation.

Rabby: That too. An so's I checked into the clinic an got all straightened out an went through the program. An now it's jest me an Jesus, an I got me that new wine in my soul. I don't need none a that earthly stuff.

Bobby: Fair enough. So what's this about dating advice?

Rabby: That's wut my blog is now. Datin' advice from me, Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby.

Bobby: But, pardon the directness: wouldn't that be sort of like learning manners from Hitler?

Rabby: TAR-AND-TARNATION!

Bobby: Just saying ...

Rabby: Well let me spell it out fer ya. I made ever kind a mistake a person kin make --

Bobby: That's what I meant.

Rabby: No sassin'! Now as I wuz sayin', I figure I am good fer gettin' advice from cuz I got it all figured out. See, I done found the way to go because I already tried ever other way.

Bobby: So you've discovered the secret to love by process of elimination.

Rabby: I don't even understand wut you jest said.

Bobby: Never mind. I think the Monkey Maniacs will get it.

Rabby: An another thing is, afore I turned to the Lord, I wuz the orneriest thing this side of a Anderson. I wuz always tryin' to fool the womens an git their hopes up an all. So nows I know how to spot that kind of guy, an I kin make amends fer my past by warning all the womens about guys like wut I used to be.

Bobby: So you see this as an important social service.

Rabby: Fer the womens.

Bobby: Ok. Let's close this interview with name association. I'll say some names, and you say the first thing that pops into your mind. Cheryl Rupp.

Rabby: Nice air-conditioned blog.

Bobby: Nikki Daniel.

Rabby: Pretends I don't exist but still okay I guess.

Bobby: Jason Ramage.

Rabby: Crazy as a coon-skin hat sittin' on a clown's head.

Bobby: Lorie King.

Rabby: Smells nice.

Bobby: Tom Branch

Rabby: Tom an me is frends.

Bobby: Christine Hnat.

Rabby: Like one a them models but not sleazy an all.

Bobby: Will Wyman.

Rabby: A good man but prone to tell lies about me.

Bobby: Christa Webb.

Rabby: Wuz kind to me when King kidnapped me.

Bobby: Laura Roberts.

Rabby: Has a hot stuffed animal.

Bobby: That's just weird, man.

Rabby: I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Bobby. Okay. One more. Garth Brooks.

Rabby: You found out me an Garth is frends?

Bobby: I did some investigating.

Rabby: Well, let me close with singin' you a chorus that me an Garth wrote together. Little country number:

It's jest my feet
That want you back.
They always seem to make tracks
To your door.
It's jest my fingers
That dial yer number,
Girl, my heart doesn't want you anymore.

Bobby: That's impressive. Come back anytime.

Rabby: Bye now.

THE SURREAL END