Special Bulletin -- Comma to be outlawed

(D.C.) Lawmakers on Capitol Hill began deliberations today on what is expected to be a successful motion to ban usage of the comma in American discourse. Senator Galoon (AK) told reporters he has the votes needed in the Senate, and he is confident that the House will also "hearken to the voice of reason."

"The comma is an antiquated device that should be done away with in these frenzied modern times times of change times of forward thinking times of ingenuity and a general sense that the old ways must be severed hackled cast into the sea," Galoon said. Apparently, many agree with him.

Dana Calhoon, National Teacher of the Year, issued this statement: "The comma doesn't belong in our society or in any society that is building a bridge to the future because it slows one down when one is reading and it's not really needed for clarity civility tradition or any other reason and it does nothing for me personally."

Here in Louisville, opinion was divided. Local anti-grammarian forces rejoiced. "Mwuahaha the comma is dead the semi-colon will be next then we'll talk about speling and paragrafs," said Tom Branch. "You can pretymuch figure out what is being said without all that firly stuff if you just read slowly and not get ahead of yourself and whats the point of all those weird signs that do nothing for you and dont pretty up the page they look like curse symbols: ;'"-'/;" Branch claimed.

Not everyone was so sure. "Let me just say that this is indicative of the loss of standards throughout our society," said Lorie King, Spelling uh, Policewoman. "This trend of 'dumbing-down' everything is bringing societal chaos, and, if you think about it, is tied in with the moral depravity that, while inherent to man, has increased exponentially in the last fifty years. This may be an anti-cultural notion, but we have got to start holding each other accountable for our actions, and for our speech. And hear me -- HEAR me: once commas are removed from public life, there will be chaos. There will be rioting in the streets. And don't come crying to me when it happens. No, really," King said.

20/20 will have a special report on this matter later tonight.