Deep Observations

My wonderful cousin Debby sent me these. Enjoy:

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE



1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in

his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown



2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a

headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown



3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support

group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey



4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable

job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the

end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy



5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an

infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even

considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry



6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should

treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,

they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,

the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger



7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the

lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to

teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone



8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal

skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien



9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through

my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow

learner."

--Lynda Montgomery



10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detriot got started. Bunch of people

in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it

just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni



11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson



12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us

geography."

--Paul Rodriguez



13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty

and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire

you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to

tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson



15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde



16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of

Congress..... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain





17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At

least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog

will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've

thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry