Jive Monkey Gold: What Southern Women Know About Flirting

From April, 2005: What Southern Women Know About Flirting

Author Ronda Rich will be signing copies of her new book, "What Southern Women Know About Flirting" today at Barnes & Noble (the Summit one) at 7 pm.
The Courier did a piece on her a couple days ago, and listed a sample list of her "Flirting Girl Don'ts." Is it silly? Harmful? Enlightening? Necessary?
Let's begin by defining flirting, because it does have several definitions and connotations. I would say, contextually from the article, Ms. Rich is talking about an activity done to win a man -- someone you are interested in. So we'll look at the tips with that in mind.
Here is my Jive To The Monkey analysis of each tip:.

1. Never relinquish your power. As Dr. Tom said in the comment section of this point, the usefullness of this tip depends on what Ms. Rich means by this statement. Keep in mind that my own opinions are that the best way to forge a lasting relationship is to slowly build something up from the cornerstone of friendship. Still waters run deep. (Now, I would agree that there comes a point in a friendship when you have been friends so long, and have done so much as friends, that it becomes a brother/ sister thing. I have some good old gal friends (not that they're old, just that we've been friends awhile) that ... well, let's just say even though they're perfectly attractive, it would be gross to date them. Like, if we got married our babies would have two heads or something.) But for the most part, I still say that you should be friends first. And if you are truly friends, you're not going to have a big power struggle anyway.
But as far as this advice goes -- certainly don't put yourself in a situation where you feel powerless.

2. Never wear a white bra with black panties (or white shoes after Labor Day).

Okay girls ... if your definition of flirting has anything to do with him seeing what color your undergarments are, then you may have a bigger problem than you think. Geez. As to the shoes -- men could care less. I mean, I am definitely Metro, but as I think back to the conversations I've had with women this week, whether at church, work, or outside, I can't picture anyone's shoes.
Besides, fashionistas generally say the Labor Day rule is not hard and fast anymore. Now, perhaps the guys sister(s) or gal pals will notice, but still. I have a couple "sisters" who definitely feel free (even when I don't ask!) to give me their opinion of single girls that they think would be good (or not good) for me. Now, if they said something like "We think she's snobby," then I would examine that. But if they said, "She wears white shoes after Labor Day," I would laugh them out of the building.

3. Don't forget to ask about his mama. Then ask for an introduction.
It never hurts to inquire about good ol' mom, ladies. But watch out for mama's boys!

4. Never aggresively pursue him; always do it subtly.Yes. Actually, the question should be "should I pursue him subtly or should I not pursue at all." Aggressive pursuit looks, to a guy, like Fatal Attraction. We don't want to be stalked.
Now, I know a lot of perfectly fine girls who say, "I wouldn't pursue a guy subtly either. I want to be wooed. He should come to me."
That sounds great and all, but think it through. You could pass up a great guy and end up with a jerk. In fact, I'd say there's pretty good odds of that happening. Men who live for the chase will always live for the chase, even after they've caught you. They'll just chase another rabbit. Now, that doesn't always mean he'll chase another woman. Maybe he'll chase riches, maybe he'll chase fame, maybe he'll chase rare collectibles -- but he will always chase, and he'll be bored with things or people whom he has caught.
So what does it mean to pursue "subtly." Follow the guys lead, just like dancing. Say there is a guy you're interested in. Should you treat him differently than other guys? Not if he doesn't treat you differently than other girls. Nothing subtle about that. But if he DOES treat you differently, through communication, time, proximity, whatever ... then match him. Don't think you're taking a moral highroad if you play hard to get and make him do everything. Men pursue and women leave clues. If you don't do that, then you're going to be back to discouraging all men except those who are more interested in the chase than the object of the chase. Which you will be sorry for 1000 times over someday.

5. Don't be caught low on thank-you notes, lip gloss or perfume.Let's take this out of the King James and put it into New International: Don't forget to be polite, and try not to smell funny.

6. Don't talk about old boyfriends.Yes and no to this one. Like I said, I think it's better to be friends first. Friends talk. Friends communicate. Friends are interested in each other's lives and the things that have happened to make them who they are today. Therefore, if you've been talking and hanging out as friends, and you're starting to feel like you could have something ... well, if you haven't talked about old boyfriends, then you're not really friends, are you?
Now, no decent guy is gonna want an exclusive relationship with you if you're still carrying a torch for someone else. If you haven't dealt with your emotional baggage, then keep things at the friendship level.
I think this rule can be expanded though. No guy wants to feel like he is second fiddle. Nor do decent guys want to feel like they're in a competition. If you kiss too many frogs, no prince will come near you. Other frogs won't mind though. So don't be fooled into thinking that a guy doesn't want you bad enough if he won't compete for you. The truth is, he doesn't want to get warts.

7. Don't take discourtesy, inconsideration, or abuse.
Duh. I'd go beyond that and say that you should only be with a guy who is going to make you feel like the queen of his world, every day. Why would you settle for less? Doesn't matter what else he has going for him.
About discourtesy: do you realize how few women will even give men the opportunity to do basic mannerly things? And yet often these same women decry the lack of chivalric manners in society. For instance: men should generally open doors for women. I don't care if it's your girlfriend, your mom, your boss ... that's just something that should be done.
Now, perhaps you think this is no big deal, and that you don't even notice or care if a man holds the door open for you. But what you're signaling, to that man and to ALL men who see the incident, is that you, as a representative of Woman in general, do not care to be treated, or want to be treated, as a lady. It's a trickle effect. If men in general do not think that women in general want them to open doors, then they're gonna assume women don't want them to behave in all manner of other gentlemanly ways.

8. Never mind the negatives; focus on the positives.I don't know what she means by this. I suppose it's true if what she means is "Don't nitpick a great guy to death if you are really gelling with him, just because you're, I don't know ... scared of being attached."? I can see how that could happen.
But I can't give wholehearted support to this rule, being as it could be taken many ways. Some negatives are important. Don't overlook manners, spirituality, goals, morals, or even things like "where are we gonna worship together if we become a couple" or, as you head into marriage, "does one of us insist on living in a suburb, downtown, etc."
This also goes into being real (which is the biggest lesson to remember). Let's say, for instance, that you like a Star Wars geek (sorry SW geeks -- I mean "guys." I'm just kidding. May the force be with you, and your little R2 units). So you pretend to be way into Star Wars to impress him. Or because you think "maybe he'll fall for a girl who loves Star Wars as much as he does, so I'd better pretend to be that girl." Dumb, dumb, dumb. How long do you think you can keep that up? You're gonna be sitting through movies, thumbing through Star Wars books, going to those conventions dressed up as Princess Lei or a Wookie (depending on whether you're wee or Amazonian ....) Sooner or later you're gonna have to say, "Dude, I really can't take all this Star Wars all the time."
And then he's gonna be mad. He's not gonna understand. Because, to him, you've CHANGED. You're not the girl he fell for.
And the same goes for any hobby, past-time, methodology, political view .... Even, say, if you initially only spend time alone. Sooner or later, if things go well and you marry, you're gonna be one of those girls who says, "we never do anything with anyone. We never hang out with friends." Well, you didn't do it at the start of the relationship. Getting off on the right foot is so important. How things are at the start is the determining point, to a large extent, of how they will be.
If, in a related example, you only hang around HIS friends, do not expect that later on he'll be agreeable to hanging around yours. You established the pattern early on.

Now, I do think there is a place for saying, to go back to Star Wars, "I'm not really a big sci-fi fan, but sure, I'll go with you to the movie." Let him know right off that you want to get together, maybe get a bite to eat first, and that you're willing to do something with him that he thinks is important, just because you're not a diva who needs to be in control or only wants to do her own things all the time.
Nothing wrong with being agreeable! Just tell the truth and make him understand what you're doing, and that this doesn't mean you're gonna watch Star Wars movies all the time or camp outside Skywalker Ranch on your vacation or name your firstborn son "Anakin."

9. Don't be catty -- personally, professionally or socially. Instead, be kitten sweet.Well, yes, you want to stay away from cheap cattiness. But kitten sweet? Hmmm. I guess it depends on the guy. We all have different tastes. Personally, I like someone a little more fiesty. A girl who is a perpetual kitten gets boring after awhile.

So there you have it. And again, the number one thing is to be real. But being real doesn't mean being totally clueless about how to be attractive, nor does it mean you can't be somewhat purposeful. Don't just be blown about by the wind, or you could end up alone, or worse, with whatever litter the wind kicks up.